7:53 p.m. - Thursday, Mar. 13, 2003
resolution number nine
Ok, so i'lljust say that i'm way high right now, so that if this all doesn't really make tons of sense, you'llknowwhy,andI won't feel the need to go back and correct shit later. I just feel like writing.
Jules and I are taking a break. Like, I said, see you after school is over, and he agreed. Now I go back and forth between feeling really like i'm glad to have the break, because i need one, and feeling sort of sad that we always reach a point where we have to do this. I mean, maybe it means that we are not meant to be if we need to take breaks like this, and if we can't just stay solid without time apart. But at the same time, its just as plausible to me that its good that both of us feel the need to be on our own sometimes, and reflect, and be strong, and the fact that we both feel that way is why we are good for eachother. Its not like we're not mad in love. I know he loves me. Its rediculous for me to really not appreciate that. He's so great to me. And I know I'm good to him. And we have alot of fun, and there's alot of caring. And sometimes, when we've both like, forgone everything else to just hang out with eachother for too long, and it starts to get all, wow, yeah, so I'm just here some of this time because its easy, and it takes away from the quality and shit, and we're not trying our best to be the coolest people we can be, because we're settled in some weird way, we both wig out, and go, okay, lets give eachother a chance to miss eachother. ITs pretty good really. Yeah, see its good that I wrote, because I know these things are true, but still sometimes i get upset. I can't lie, and deny the part of me who just likes to be loved like that, all easy and shit, and I think that's there, and real, too. I just think its reserved for way later. THere's like this weird thing to age, regardless of how different we all are at all different ages, and how rediculous it is to try and categorize time as much as we do, that is pretty constant. Its good when you are young to test yourself, and accept challenges, because if you don't, you will never have the peace that comes with just giving up the good fight, and letting go into the self respect and repose that comes with knowing you did your best, and having good memories, and good knowledge of that. I have a really long time to go before that. ACtually the most resistent and challenging I will ever have to be is still ahead of me. That kind of easy can be a cop out now.
Whatever. I'm sure it will all be ok. One way or another. One way is just scarier, but htat doesn't mean it wouldn't end up just as awesome. Its all good. As for now, we still love eachother and this is just a break. Who knows.
WE are a Taurus and a Gemini. Its weird, but most people who talk about astrology say its a really bad mix. Well, some say bad, and some are more liberal about it and say that its potential is out of sight, but the mix is sort of rare for it to be like that, and either way its really hard. And I'd say it is pretty hard. He's challenging. But I know i am too. So far, its all been worth it. We'll see. ITs funny because there was a time when i wouldn't have felt this chill about it. There is something to be said for getting older. ITs bunk when people say its lame, i think they're focussing on certain things only. its not like I havent' focussed on those things, but there are ways around it. Like takin care of yourself. and paying mind to getting stronger. Yeah, and having already had a broken heart, at least once, helps all through life. You've got to be broken in to get stronger with time, and when you're afraid always of that very first break, not just in love, but everything, the thought of it just gets harder and harder.
Anyway, too many people are afraid to hold onto certain stuff all through life, they don't want to stand out, they don't want to disagree, they've never been humiliated, they don't want to start now, and slowly they just become silent. which is nowhere one way or the other. purgatory. Haha, the ones of us who have been totally degraded and humiliated aren't as easily rattled. jk whatever. But yeah, in love you definitley do get to a point where you're like, whatever, stuff that i thought was supposed to last forever didnt', and i thought it would be the end of my happiness once, and was quite convinced it would do me in, and it didn't at all, so what is this now. its fine. if things arent' fine in the near future, it won't be because of love, or anything so negotiable, and that's something else we both think of too, and therefore feel the need to just be alone and think for a while. Many reasons. anyway. I have to go back to studying, shit too bad i got high just now. oh well hopefully it will wear off soon. Yeah, if anything is going to do me in its that I can't get my shit together and become effectively active. Not cool. new day resolution 1. Later.
