12:21 p.m. - Monday, Mar. 24, 2003
We'll see
so now he wants to marry me. Now he calls, and says that I'm the most amazing girl ever, and he can't believe he blew it, and he needs me, and he wants to marry me. Who the fuck does he think he's talking to? I don't want to be fucking married!! Jesus.
I told him he has to give me some space and some time. THat I don't want to talk to him every second day, that that's what being broken up means, it means that you have to get through the night without hearing that person's voice, and that's why most of us think things through a little more clearly before we betray our partners, and risk losing them forever. i said he may have lost me forever, he may not have.
I certainly do still love him. And I can probably get over what he did. I could get over some of it right now, but some of it was just too tacky and insulting and weak, and I don't know if I will ever be able to get past it. But if he loves me the way he is saying, he'll have the patience and the strength to wait and see, because we are not going to build a newer, happier love based on the way I feel about him right now anyway, so no matter what i want one way or the other, it isn't feasible to be together right now. and the fact is I DON'T WANT TO BE. I don't like lies. I don't like being taken for granted.
You will all probably remember my little trist last summer, and wonder why I feel this is any worse than that. In some ways, I don't, and that's why I'm not being dramatic, and saying that any act of infidelity is the end of everything, bar none. But different rules apply when you are in two different countries for months at a time, and that person made the decision to make it that way. It frustrating and taxing being apart. But what he did to me last week, he left my bed to do, and then he came back into it the next day. That is different. It just is. What else can I give but what I've given when we are face to face, real time, living together? WE WERE HAPPY GOD DAMN IT. Its a slap in the face.
I don't play games with love, and i'm not holding out on him as some dramatic ploy, this is really just the way it is. I need to be on my own, and take the time to remember what it is about me, as an individual, without him, that makes me happy, and play music more, and see my friends more, cuz I don't like my happiness being linked exclusively to one person, when we are all so mutable. And I need time to evaluate how i feel about him, and to cool off and see if I can put myself in his shoes and look past this stupid shit at some point, cuz right now i'm just way pissed and i don't know rationally yet if I can. If I can't, running back to him is a bad idea anyway. And if I can, well, a month or two apart won't kill us after 4 years, and if he can't wait it out after what he did, then he's got a short fucking attention span, and its good to know it now.
But he's freaking out. He never meant to lose me, and I guess I'm realizing, and so is he, that because of our unconventional history, making a relationship happen long distance, and everything we've been through, he never really thought he could. But he can, and he did. He doesn't like the feeling. Neither do I particularly. Sigh. We'll see.
