pixiia-8's DiaryLand diary

8:27 p.m. - Sunday, Jun. 22, 2003
represent
I guess I sort of rejected first in all honesty, but for reasons that were made up of a myriad of stupid little rejections that got on my tits and that I wasn't prepared to hang around for. The whole experience just left me with alot of questions to answer anyway.

And i did get rejected there is no question, and even though that feels shite, its good to have the practice sometimes, it shows you what you can walk away from and how much you really need from other people and how much you don't. But its like the solar blaze, it washes through dark corners. which is good too,

I wrote what I wrote because sometimes I get tired of needing to feel like I don't want to write about my failures, or my weaknesses here. I'm not sure who I am trying to impress. This was never meant to be only a log, and when i started writing it it was because i cooldn't sleep and I was on paxil and i couldn't concentrate at school, and that's just as much who I am as the things i do and the people i know and the music i like and whatever. Constructed impressions are a slippery slope.

Well I can't sleep I'm not on paxil but i am doing too many drugs and drinking and smoking too much. Temporary. At least I know that. It always is and it always will be. I've never not been able to draw my line.

And as much as the scene sucked, in a minimal way, but it did, I feel the same way about him. Sometimes a boy's bravado astounds me. I don't need sex bad enough to take punk off of it, and I don't regret saying so. The sting of being upfront to someone who is fronting, and feeling your earnestness wasted is ephemoral. I kept it short and sweet, and now I don't like him enough to stress that part of it. Little boys with big egos are too trying on my patience to like it for very long. I can be a total bitch.

I guess that's what leaves me a little dazed after shit like this. I am aware of my bitch factor, and although its certainly not raging, or problematic, I've been seeking a more zen approach to life. Being hard always leaves regrets, because after a point of cool down, you realize all the hypocricies and contradictions in your own life, because we all have them, and you regret angry or judgemental words. Or at least that's the way it should be. That is what my father tries to teach me all the time, because i'm just like him.

But unfortunately its not a perfect world, and sometimes you have got to be a bitch. Honest and humble, which i was too, and almost regret now, because maybe i shouldn't have even bothered, but like I said, it was for me, and I always feel better afterwards when I am. But I definitely know that I can't entirely stop having that hard in me, no matter how much i'd like to sometimes rip it away from me. It does protect me. It does.

I may not have made all the right decisions, but I made the most important ones.

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